I'm starting the OOC Monster's rampage with an OOC section. How appropriate.
March Madness. A time normally devoted to the dedicated following of collegiate sports. This March was to be filled with a different sort of Madness. Read on, if you dare.
The following is a work of fanfiction. My first, in fact. Comments, praise, tomatoes, constructive criticism, fan art (yeah right), and ideas are all welcomed. I intend to post several installments at regular intervals. If anyone feels I've abused their character and would like a section changed, PM me and I will do so.
The setting is Megatokyo: The Clans. This is intended to be a non-canon work. The time is set sometime after the sidethread "The Fall of Shadows" ends.
I'd like to thank everyone who gave me their permission to write them horribly out of character. The following is a work of fiction, and more importantly humor. Those of you who have seen the characters in action, note that this is not intended to be representative. Those who haven't-- don't use this for your first impression. That being said, I do hope you all enjoy it.
This rampage is dedicated to Luke and Mara, our beautiful kittens, who turned one year old today.
Picture a normal day in Megatokyo, where the women are kawaii, the men are bishonen, and all the martial artists are above average. Well, not a Normal Day in Megatokyo, but an ordinary one. Fanboys fight against and commit 3vil in the streets. OCSB food mutates and maims customers. Largoists get drunk, Mihoists angst and scheme, sinister forces watch from without and somewhere, a sad girl is crying in the snow.
This day is such a day-- nothing of world-shattering consequence is taking place. Bryce and a handful of Tohyologists are leafletting the Legion of the Dark Goddess with pamphlets "proving" that Miho isn't supernatural. Mahou has used the Dark Powers of the Necrowombicon to make them able to speak nothing but l337, to Bryce's annoyance and the Legion's amusement.
The eeeeevil United Sadisticks are plotting to make all food in the world be "low carb" until humanity is so thin and stick-like that Megatokyo can no longer be told from the Sticks' own Dark Side of the Page.
At Erika Multinational, research is being conducted into creating an arm brace that could be given to women to allow them to mimic Hayasaka's abilities against hentais and perverts-- the first steps into harnessing the unbelievable power source known as feminine outrage.
The Followers of Great Teacher Largo haven't woken up yet. Last night was a hell of a party, or a hell of a zombie rampage they had to oppose with lethal force, depending who you ask. The Cataclysm division doesn't have any records of it, and someone's going to be paying a hefty fine for that when they finally wake up.
Ash the Instigator had woken that perfectly ordinary morning to find the LDG mansion unusually loud. Normally the Mansion, hangout for Goths, angsting bishies, and maniacal manipulative villains (a category they'd had to add when she'd started visiting on a regular basis), was pretty quiet in the morning. Years of discipline with Megatoyko's longest lived evil conspiracy had made her an early riser. Few factionists woke up before 8am, and any advantage an Instigator could take was an advantage an Instigator did take. It was supposed to be quiet this early. It was not.
"Shiritsu school, is clearly cool, so juicy sweet!
How I wish to catch a bish, so juicy sweet!"
Ash rubbed her eyes and blinked. The sounds weren't that unusual, for the LDG was home to the healer Allanon, also known as the Great Alaskan Bishie Hunter. But it wasn't her former enemy's voice that she heard. It was the voice of a girl who couldn't be over 14 years old, and had a fondness for skittles, not bishonen.
"Awu~?" Ash asked cutely. She stretched, threw on a black cloak over her red jammies, and looking like a sleepy, dishevelled vampire, slipped out her door to see what was going on.
"I like bishies 'cause they're so delicious,
gotta go bishin'!
I like bishies everyday and my mom says that's okay.
Sacr'fice bishies every night, and my pa says that's alright.
I like bishies 'cause they're so delicious! Mmmm-mm bishies!"
Ash stared. And stared more. It couldn't be. It shouldn't be. It was unnatural.
Wizard of Kitty had a bottle of chocolate sauce, and had built an altar in the front hall covered in posters. In a steel-barred cage, she'd managed to capture Dao, who was trembling and hiding in the corner and, most miraculously, still had all of his clothing on.
"Come no closer, or I'll have to engage my privacy algorithms!" Dao warned.
"I think a few anvils should crack your privacy algorithms Dao. Now stop being such a prude and come over here. It'll be fun, I promise," the Nekomancer answered with a lascivious wink.
Dao meeped. The Nekomancer began coating skittles with chocolate sauce and casually tossing them through the bars, where they stuck to whatever they touched first-- the bars, Dao's red trenchcoat, Dao, each other. It would only be a short time before the 'bot was immobilized, and in a very compromising position with a minor. Ash knew there was only one thing she could do.
She ran into her room, made a bag of microwave popcorn, ran back, and sat down to watch. It was, of course, highly disturbing, but dammit, she hadn't seen a proper bishie sacrifice since the Second Stick War.Cardinal Option Chihiro: De Rei Monstrorum Oocum
There was a time when things OOC were not always giant and monstrous. In the very time, the OOC creatures ranged in size and temprament from small and kind, to large and drunken, to oblong and afflicted by dysentary and everything in between, and these creatures lived in peace among the player characters.
Later on, however, the players - powerful beings that they be - decided that they wanted to stay in character more, so the most powerful among them enacted changes such that the OOC creatures were branded as demons and driven by various plot devices to go with their children, families, and various half-OOC hybrids to live in the reading between the lines.
If you have never been between the lines, it is a very dark and uncertain place. You can never be quite sure of what you're reading there.
Under these conditions, the OOC creatures suffered, and driven by hardship and generations of hatred and accusations from within the lines they eventually became the horrible deformed monsters that the players and continuity monks had always said they were.
Occassionally, they would break free and rampage within the lines, but as often as not they would hide between or even beneath the lines, fearful that if they tried to reassert themselves, the players, PCs, NPCs, and plot might be brought together under the watchful eyes of the Unmodly Mod to wipe out even those OOC monsters that stayed faithfully and secretly between the lines.
And then Continuity Broke. Many of the monsters escaped into a shard where they took over, causing great havok and rioting after they were mistaken for lost RAZians. Ultimately, however, nobody noticed.
After all, it was OOC.
Meanwhile, at the Order of Rent-A-Zilla...
"Rent a zilla? Well we actually do have one these days. You kinda look like a zilla yourself there, big guy."
Alexander Boerstler, current leader of the Order of Rent-a-Zilla, was speaking rather conversationally to a spot of empty air a few feet in front of and above him. Anyplace else in Megatokyo, he would have attracted stares, unusual questions, or at least been mistaken for a Largoist. In Megatokyo's most dangerous restaurant, nobody batted an eye. Al paused for a moment as if considering someone's words. "Well do you have the permits?" Another pause. "Alright, talk to Amchan, she's in charge of zilla rentals. Over there."
At this point his rather one-way conversation was interrupted by Makoto-chan, user of highly advanced CGCI equipment, the driving force behind ORAZ's continued existence, voted cutest bunnygirl in Megatokyo 3 years running. "Damn straight," she muttered in satisfaction at the Fourth Wall, before returning to her introductory pose. "Al, are you having conversations with yourself again?"
"Errrr.... no, there's this cute miniature zilla here who wants to rent--" Al gestured futilely at the patch of empty air he'd been speaking to.
"Al, have you been getting into the peyote pie again?"
"Well, yeah, but what does that have to do with it?"
"Ugh... you're a faction leader. At least behave with a something resembling sanity."
"I'm the faction leader of ORAZ. I'm not supposed to resemble sanity," Al protested.
On the other side of the triple-layered, steel-reinforced, fireproof, radiation insulated, antibacterially treated wall, in a back room, Amchan was taking a turn at the expense reports. "Lawsuit, lawsuit, lawsuit, lawsuit..." she murmured, tossing subpeonas into a shredder as she did so. "Payment from Russia for nuclear waste disposal, payment from the USA for nukuler waste disposal, MTCD all-you-can-eat rampage permit for the food..." She flipped a few more pages, and suddenly turned toward the door, as if she'd heard something. It hadn't opened. "Hey there, cute little guy!" she called. "What can I do for you?"
Meanwhile through the aformentioned wall, at high volume, she could hear Makoto ranting: "Talking to a stupid little invisible coyote that does nothing but ruin your--"
"Zilla rental, eh?" she asked, eyes narrowing a bit. "You know we charge pork rinds, right? I don't know if you're gonna have enough pork rinds to afford a full-sized zilla." She considered. "Sure, I don't see any harm in that."
Makoto continued: "--And that's why you need to start pulling your--" Amchan was glad to leave.
One of the big secrets of ORAZ is the location of the hangar in which they keep the 'zillas. The ORAZ Cathedral is pretty big and impressive, but it's still not big enough to hold a creature that can stomp entire city blocks to tiny little pieces in a few minutes. I will not be revealing that secret. Because I have no idea where they keep them. Maybe Tokyo Bay? Sure, we'll pretend they have a secret underwater facility beneath Tokyo Bay. That's a fine place to keep a 'zilla. It's non-canon anyway. (BozoCat looked over his shoulder, but fortunately the entire membership of ORAZ was loaded down with schoolwork and wouldn't be reading this thread for at least a week.)
Amchan walked purposefully through the city streets to the secret entrance to this secret facility, occasionally stopping to allow nothing to catch up to her. However, since she was a RAZian, nobody questioned her about her apparent insanity. After a few minutes she stood before one of the mighty Rent-a-Zillas and genuflected deeply before it. "This is a Rent-a-Zilla. As you can imagine, he eats a tremendous amount of pork rinds. Our theory is that's how he can fire-breathe," she explained. "That's what I'm trying to tell you; you don't have enough-- stop that!"
Amchan made a dive for something, but ended up grabbing only the floor. She looked up as if terrified, and yelled, "You! Get away from that!"
"I've got him, Amchan," Al called from the door, posing heroically..
"What're you doing here? What happened to Makoto," Amchan asked. She'd heard their little 'discussion' through the wall and was surprised Al was both here and intact.
"Well, you see, I was reading ahead and... uh... you didn't hear me say that."
Unfortunately, their witty banter had taken too long. For at that moment...
"Hey, where did the Zilla go?!" Amchan demanded. She was answered by a loud cry for help and then an even louder *CRUNCH*
Al had been embedded up to the top of his head in the ground, the rest of the floor near him contorted into the mighty outline of a zilla's footprint.
"Not again," Amchan muttered. What would she tell Melody?
Meanwhile, at the OCSB:
"Why does that idiot never use this ability against the food?" Makoto muttered, trying to figure out how to extract her feet from the adamantium anvil Al had 'temporarily' sealed them in.
"Was it good for you, baby?" Wizard of Kitty asked.
"..." Dao didn't answer. The Nekomancer smiled tiredly but victoriously, curled up, and fell asleep in his lap.
"Wow, she was thorough," Ash commented, looking at the number of empty popcorn bags that had accumulated on the second floor balconey. She was still at the LDG Mansion. Fifteen minutes in, she'd gone to get Mahou, who she figured would enjoy the show. Mahou had then gotten Allanon and Bliss, who would also enjoy the show.
"Much as I admit I enjoyed watching that," Allanon commented offhandedly, "don't you think it was a little disturbing? I mean, this is Wizard of Kitty we're talking about. And Dao. It's like something some bad fanfic writer came up with."
They all shuddered at the mention of fanfic.
"I suppose it is a bit out of character for both of them," Ash observed. Dao nodded vigorously but couldn't get up, as that might involve touching the Nekomancer, and he did
"Maybe we should, ya know, get her off him. I mean, my duty as faction leader of the LDG to protect him," Mahou concluded, after a moment's deliberation.
"Not to mention the honor of your fellow members of POLE," Bliss suggested.
"There are other members?" Mahou asked in confusion. "I must have lost the list."
It was relatively little effort to remove Wizard of Kitty from Dao's lap. She was small and exhausted to boot. Mahou gave her some skittles to revive her, which turned out to be a mistake, as it immediately required the four of them all working together to stop her from going back to what she'd been doing. Dao didn't help the situation by leaping straight up into the chandelier (taking part of the floor with him).
"Hey, look at this, on her neck. Does this place have a vampire problem?" Allanon asked, indicating an odd-looking bite mark.
"That's not a vampire bite. See there's four puncture marks, and vampires don't like to waste any blood. Plus there's the-- why are you all looking at me like that? I'm an evil necromancer. Of course I know about vampires." Allanon and Bliss both glared at her for a moment as side-thread-induced tension built up between them.
"One of you go look at him, okay?" Mahou interrupted, indicating Dao. Bliss nodded and levitated up to the chandelier.
"I've never seen this before. Ueewww... it looks like something's been chewing on him!"
"That was me," Wizard of Kitty confessed. "And it'll still be me if you people would just
"Easy there, no need to talk all in caps," Mahou cautioned.
"These teeth marks are too big to belong to her. Dao, what did this?" Dao merely meeped and blinked furiously. There are some things even a reboot can't fix.
"I don't understand," Ash mused pensively. "Two people are acting horrendously out of character, and they both have different shaped bite marks on them. This can't be coincidence."
"That's nice, can you let go of me so I can get back to--" the Nekomancer pleaded.
"No!" Ash interrupted, not allowing her to get the thread locked with a non-PG-13 comment. "Stop kicking!"
"Thank you, Ash. I'm saving my first time for that special someone," Dao answered from the chandelier.
"And 'Anvils of Love' are scary," Allanon muttered.
"You don't like my Anvils of Love?" Wizard of Kitty wibbled, to an array of "awwww, dammit!"s as various characters in the room failed their Will saves to resist wibbling.
"Can we change the subject?" Dao pleaded.
"Maybe it's like that X-files episode, remember?" Bliss suggested.
"Which one?" Ash asked, trying to remember the dim mists of time back when that show was any good.
"Ya know, the one where Mulder thinks things are supernatural, and Scully thinks there's a rational explanation," Bliss suggested.
"Yeah, I know that one," Ash muttered sarcastically.
"Well supposing there was a whole bunch of creatures, all of them slightly different, but with the same effects?" A new voice called out.
"Hikaru!" Ash called ecstatically, crossing to the door with all the speed of a flying glomp, and eliciting a muffled 'oof' from the bishie martial artist. "Hey, aren't you supposed to be kidnapped?" she asked.
"I got better," Hikaru started, unconsciously reaching up to his neck.
"You've been bitten too!"
"Of course, it's totally out of character for me to appear in a thread, given how busy my author is," Hikaru realized. "But what creature could possibly want us to be OOC? Or rather, what group of creatures?"
"I think I have an idea," Ash whispered. "I need to visit my old faction. Lets hope it's not already too late."
"Your old faction... you mean... I'm not letting you go alone," Hikaru warned.
"I didn't think you would," Ash answered, smiling.
OOC Note: This scene was originally written to feature Sabyr rather prominently. However given his reaction to the first OOC Monster post, I don't think he'd appreciate being dragged in, so I've left him out. I apologize for any break in the flow of the story.
Ash's course took the two of them unerringly to Troll Alley, scene of many a tragedy and more importantly the quickest way for someone without a teleportation staff to enter the headquarters of the insidious Cult of Ropto. Ash was none too pleased to have to do this, as the Cult had used her once for a virgin sacrefice the previous night, and was most likely not going to treat her any better this time around.
"But if they've released a horde of continuity daemons that means we're walking right into the middle of one of their Big Evil Plans," Hikaru objected. He apparently liked it even less.
"Can you think of any other group that knows as much about the rules that bind this literary reality together?" Ash responded.
Hikaru could think of a few, but they had faded deep into the mists of history. Finding the Instigators would probably be easier. "Say, have you noticed how quiet it is?"
"It's a nice change," Ash admitted. Troll alley's natural denizens were among Megatokyo's loudest. It was odd not to hear them. "I suppose it is a little unnerving," she admitted reluctantly. More unnerving was that whatever had bitten WoK, Hikaru, and many others, had bitten the trolls as well, which meant that whatever it was had absolutely
Which was ironic, since the preferred food of this creature was roofing tar.
They never got to the unremarkable phone booth that served as the cult's only contact point with the outside world, because they were shortly accosted by the undead. Zombies poured forth from the alleyways, while duct-tape mummies, the freakish results of what happened when the UFL's standard treatment
Ash raised her wand defensively, recalling her abilities to command the Undead. But she'd never faced this many before. Hikaru put a hand out, realizing that fighting would only get them hurt.
"Please accept this flower on the behalf of the Cult of Ropto," intoned a festering zombie, pushing a freshly-cut daffodil in Ash's direction. "Would you like to make a donation?" Ash slunk away as quickly as she could without getting the beast's attention.
"What in the name of pitiless evil has happened here?" Ash hissed, staring about in horror. She could practically
"This place isn't so creepy. Why didn't you tell me you lived with a bunch of nice guys like this?" Hikaru asked, graciously accepting a flower from a dark mage with glowing red eyes.
"I don't live with them. Gah, don't touch him, Hikaru!"
Hikaru ignored Ash and gave him a few dozen Yen.
"He masterminded that chibi-nuke that let the sticks overrun EM headquarters! What's happened to you people? MANFLOY!" she yelled.
"Manfloy's not in right now, child. He's using his psionic powers to help a fellow named Aleksander Mackay finally extricate himself from those nasty Ilpallazzo ripoffs he's always fighting," came the voice of Archon Morgan from behind her. Ash turned around, fearing what she might see, and she was not disappointed.
"Where did you get that outfit?!"
"The Pope had an extra. Doesn't it look wonderful?" Morgan answered. "In honor of my service to the world, promoting peace, love, and kitties."
"Well I can understand the kitties part, but peace and love? Don't you remember? It was love that defeated our dark, nameless lord?" Ash prodded.
"Peace, child," Morgan answered with a disturbingly beatic voice. "Our Dark Lord is nameless no longer."
Birds chirped. Beautiful music streamed from a nearby shop window. Cherry blossom petals swirled through the air. And a beautiful stagecoach pulled by formerly beautiful skeleton horses pulled into view.
"As you can see, miss Aiko... errr... miss Aiko?"
"She's been doing this a lot. I'll take care of her," Hikaru promised, picking up the once-again unconscious Instigator. He supressed a shiver. In the world of Endgames, he had been Niho's loyal servant. It was nice to see him finally united with his beloved, but something felt to him like reality itself had been damaged, and badly so, to bring this about.
Ash came to five minutes later. "What happened, Ash-san?" Hikaru asked.
"Nhggggghhh... worse... than... Vagrant... comic..." she muttered.
"What do you remember?"
"Too much. The bastard that did this is going
"We still haven't figured out the cause for sure."
"Well, if we're going to be asking someone to help us with a horde of continuity daemons, there's only one place we can go."
"We're too late," was all Ash could muster to say.
"La cathedrale ORAZ et bistro," Hikaru read.
"Keep your bokken ready," Ash warned.
Hikaru nodded, and they proceded inside. Makoto, wearing an expensive black dress (which looked even weirder than usual because of the bunny ears), greeted them with a polite and aristocratically accented: "This had better not be your fault."
"Makoto-san," Ash started, deciding the outfit definitely rated a -san now, "we really aren't trying to start a fight here. Errr... for once. We're looking for Ameryll. Or more specifically, her familiar Glider."
Makoto considered for a moment what happened the last time Ash had come looking for Ameryll. Then a wicked grin spread across her face. "Ameryll's in back. I'll take you to her. Try not to disturb the diners too much," she said with a disparaging glance at Ash's clothing and an evil grin at Hikaru.
Why do I have a bad feeling about this? Hikaru wondered silently. Ash would have wondered the same, but she'd turned her brain off lest it force another 5-minute reboot.
Makoto led them to a door marked, "Ameryll Windwalker" in bright gold letters. "Enjoy. I must be back to work," she informed them hastily and skittered away, leaving them to their fate. Ash knocked tentatively.
"Who is it?" asked a depressed voice from within.
"Errr... it's Ash. Ya know, the creepy girl who--" Ash never finished her sentence, as the door was flung open, and a girl in a brown Jedi cloak and green tunic made a flying leap from the dresser. Ash was bowled completely over before she had a chance to react. Hikaru went for his bokken to find it telekinetically flung down the hall away from him.
"Errr... hi?" Ash piped up tentatively from the glomp, trying to wriggle free.
"I've missed you soooooo much Ash! I've been thinking about you all since that time when..."
"Errr... Ameryll? What's gotten into you?"
Ameryll released Ash from the glomp and struck a dramatic pose. "From the moment I met you, all those years ago, a day hasn't gone by when I haven't thought of you. And now that I'm with you again, I'm in agony. The closer I get to you, the worse it gets. The thought of not being with you makes my stomach turn over - my mouth goes dry. I feel dizzy. I can't breathe. I'm haunted by the kiss you should never have given me. My heart is beating, hoping that kiss will not become a scar. You are in my very soul, tormenting me. What can I do? I will do anything you ask..."
"I could ask you to stop quoting Episode 2," Ash growled.
Ameryll was about to open her mouth again when Hikaru caught her upside the head with his bokken and put her, (and the audience) out of her misery.
"Thanks," Ash whispered, still trying to recover from the assault.
"You're mine," Hikaru muttered possessively. Fortunately Ash didn't hear.
Why did this city insist on torturing her so badly today? "Well, with her down for the count, lets go nab us a hamster. Hawk. Thing."
Glider was inside, standing on the dresser, peering outside cautiously and preening his feathers. Upon seeing Ash, he was instantly transformed into his winged hamster form by means of principle unknown to those who do not work for the CEA.
"How are we going to talk to him?" Hikaru wondered. Ash only smiled, for pattern recognition had finally begun to kick in.
"Hey Glider. Can we ask you some questions?"
"Certainly," Glider answered with a slightly British accent. "What can I do for you?"
"Have you seen any Continuity Daemons in the area? We believe that many of the effects we've seen in the city today are due to their activities."
Glider considered for a moment. "Continuity daemons? No, can't say I have. However I saw the strangest thing out the window..." His little hamster eyes grew all distant. "There were two of them. One was small. I don't exactly remember what they looked like... very odd that. But the other I remember. It was a zilla. Big one, too. It came straight at us. We didn't stand a chance."
Ash looked confused. "But... then what? I mean, you're all still here. The CD can rebuild buildings but getting stepped on, that stings."
"I don't exactly remember what happened next. But it felt like... I don't know... like..."
"Like everything had been twisted to the very opposite of its nature," Ash finished for him. Glider nodded slowly.
"What's doing this?" the hamster asked. "I want Ameryll to stop quoting that
"Don't worry," Ash assured him. "We'll get to the bottom of this, and we'll stop whoever's doing it."
"That's a wonderful thing to say, Ash," Hikaru exclaimed.
"...yeah..." Ash whispered, suddenly realizing something. She looked down at her hand and noticed for the first time a few small red marks-- not quite puncture wounds, but clearly a bite. "Oh crap. I'm the hero 'cause of this, aren't I."
Hikaru huggled her. "Don't worry. Being a hero's not that bad."
"No, you don't know my author. We are so fuxxored."
With continuity daemons eliminated as a culprit, Ash and Hikaru were at a loss to explain the phenomenon. What looked like godzilla but broke reality rather than destroying things? Nothing she'd ever heard of. When it came to reality, she knew about breaking it but not really much about putting it back together. Who would be a good person to consult? Snow, maybe... he broke reality all the time. But they'd only met briefly, and the encounter had hardly been pleasant. Asimov wasn't even in the city anymore. The Continuity Monk? Come to think of it, why wasn't the Monk doing anything about this attack?
Perhaps Miho? She had always been something of a metagamer. But the Darkly Cute was a difficult One to find. No, there was someone in the city who definitely understood the fabric of the literary reality in which they existed.
With that in mind, they returned to the dining area.
"You're still alive?" Makoto asked. "Pity. Did you find what you wanted?"
"Sort of," Ash answered, watching a wealth businessman being slowly digested by the caviar appetizer he'd ordered. "You must know something about zillas. What looks like a zilla, but doesn't utterly destroy everything it steps on?"
Makoto's eyes narrowed dangerously. "You! This is your fault!"
"It's okay, she's a hero now," Hikaru piped up. Ash glared at him, so he slunk off to go rescue diners from becoming dinners.
"What exactly is my fault?" Ash asked.
"Al was stepped on by a runaway rent-a-zilla," Makoto answered sulkily. "You're involved. You always are."
"Ow," Ash whispered sympathetically. That had to hurt. "Having labor problems?"
"It's odd. He'd never complained about his job before," Makoto murmured, eyes growing distant.
"Bastard, give me back my chili!" the diner yelled, bringing out a gold-headed cane and chasing Hikaru.
"I think we'd better go now before I save anyone else from the food," Hikaru advised. And so they went.
"Thanks Makoto," Ash called over her shoulder. Makoto continued to death-glare Ash for a good minute or two, before turning back to the fine high-class restaurant she was running. Why did that feel odd? It was, after all, perfectly normal for the food to kill the diners in a high-class restaurant. Right?
On the other hand, Ash leaving the OCSB without all hell breaking loose around her, that was very frightening indeed.
The UFL hospital almost exactly how Ash remembered it from two years ago, which was in a way comforting. The Nurse Rei's had specialized quite a bit since then, and there'd been a few changes of management, but the concept was the same. Ash trembled to think what might happen to the city's health care if the same kind of disaster overtook this place as had overtaken ORAZ, but nothing seemed to be amiss. Well, nothing beyond Megatokyo's normal trauma levels, of course.
"I'm looking for a RAZian who came in recently, for being stepped on," Ash informed the receptionist.
The receptionist nodded. RAZians came into the UFL so often they'd been given their own wing. "Fifth floor, East Wing someplace, most likely. There've been a lot more people coming in over the last hour or two, so the layout may have been shifted to make space. Rei!"
One of the UFL's many clone nurses looked over. "Can you take these two young people to the RAZian wing?"
The blue-haired nurse led them to the elevators and thence to one of the patient wards. On their way, the passed a mermaid immersed in what looked like a hyperbaric chamber, except filled with water. Why did she look strangely familiar? Ash did a double-take. "Is that... Charles Fox, the head researcher from EM?"
Nurse Rei nodded. "She's being treated for hypoxia. Got turned into a mermaid-chan right in her office, with no pools of water for nearly a mile. Poor thing. Cute, though."
Ash shivered and they walked on, eventually coming to a door marked simply "ORAZ". Al was easily distinguishable by the full body cast and swathes of bandages he wore. Ash winced sympathetically again.
"Mmmph hrmmphph," the bandages answered. A hand went up and cleared a mouth space in the bandages. "Yeah. Who's there?"
"Ash and Hikaru," Ash answered.
"Can't say I recognize... wait a minute. You're not here to get me in trouble with the police again, are you?"
"No. We're investigating a creature that attacked the LDG and looks like it might have attacked ORAZ as well," Hikaru told him.
Al seemed to consider for a moment. "Nothing attacked ORAZ," he said at last.
"Then why has it turned into a fine fresh restaurant? Why has Ameryll started quoting Attack of the Clones? Why--" Hikaru demanded.
Al was pretending to be unconscious. Ash pulled Hikaru aside and after a quick conference, he went to go fetch Nurse Rei.
"Must hurt a lot, getting stepped on by a 'zilla," Ash offered. Al remained silent. "You know, as a hero, I'm doing this for the good of the city."
"Fine, I tried the heroic way. Now we're doing it my way."
Still no response? Oh good.
"Some people have an inner child. I have an inner bitch." She leaned forward, and ever so casually gave his bed a kick.
"ooooooooo" Al moaned.
"That's what I thought you'd say. Hikaru will be coming back with some CPAE shortly, should you decide to cooperate. Or..." she reached into her boot, "concentrated Stick Guy Vetinari juice. Which I can pour into your mouth and you pretty much can't do anything about it, should you choose not to cooperate."
"MMMMPPHHPHPHPHPH!" Al tried to yell, except that the bandages had fallen across his mouth again.
"I'm glad you see things my way," Ash practically purred. Hikaru returned presently. "Give the pour man some Piro-art, Hikaru. He can barely speak as it is."
Hikaru gave Al the injection and he almost immediately calmed, visions of happy rent-a-zillas rampaging through his mind.
"Now Al," Ash said quietly, pulling the bandages from his mouth again. "Tell us about the creature that attacked ORAZ. Ameryll's hamster told us it looked like a 'zilla, but when it stepped on the faction headquarters, nothing was destroyed."
"I can't tell you. If the continuity monks found out..."
"Don't you think they'd have intervened by now? There's been massive breaches of character all over the city. Even Main Characters are being affected."
"Main characters... why would he..." Al started, and then hastily shut up.
"Some more CPAE should loosen him up," Ash suggested. Hikaru supplied another injection.
"You look beautiful," Al muttered, half-deleriously.
At that moment, a stretcher went by. Ash turned to see another completely bandaged factionist go by, immediately recognizable by the magical talking sword strapped next to him.
"Little old ladies. Vicious," the nurse explained, nodding to Sabin. In response, Zan began cursing in a melifluous polyphonic voice that, had it not been clearly divine in origin, might easily have been mistaken for Snow. Shaking her head sadly, the nurse wheeled the poor N1NJ4 off. Ash stared after, more than a little stunned.
"Okay, I've seen enough," Al whispered, bringing Ash out of her reverie. "I'll talk."
"He's called the OOC Monster. Not much is known about his origins, but the first time he began appearing consistently, it was always in conjunction with the start of threads," Al explained.
"Threads?" Ash asked dubiously.
"Nevermind. He has a taste for roofing tar, usually taken from the OCSB. He's green and scaly according to most. Of course, that just means he isn't."
"Well, OOC means Out of Character. Thus any description of the OOC monster is immediately wrong, since in characterizing him, you'd be making him IC, which is against the nature of the OOC monster."
"But always being OOC, isn't that part of his character?" Hikaru asked, confusedly.
"Ow ow! Stop that, you're making my head hurt even worse than usual," Ash complained.
"Welcome to my world. Anyway, When I saw him, he looked sort of like a cute little miniature 'zilla. And unfortunately whatever he bites becomes out of character as well."
"Which explains why WoK was ecchi, I'm heroic, Dao was chaste, Glider was comprehensible..." Ash murmured. "But it doesn't explain how an entire faction HQ can be changed. And it doesn't explain the weird bite marks. Ash showed Al her hand.
"That doesn't look like a 'zilla bite..." Al murmured. "I guess the OOC Monster must look like something different to everyone. That's what keeps him out of character."
Ash considered for a moment. "But why is he rampaging. Why now?"
Al shrugged. "It's fanfic, he said. "We may never know." Ash looked at him askance. "What. You were the one who asked me to break the fourth wall."
"There must be a greater pattern," Hikaru murmured. "If this were normal, we'd hear about it, right?"
"Eh, characters are slightly OOC all the time. Authors are human, and they make mistakes. Normally the Continuity Monks take care of it and nobody notices the difference. If anything's changed, I'd say it's among them. Frankly, I don't give a rat's ass about continuity monks. They're on Fate's side, and Fate can go--"
"You said everything he bites goes out of character," Ash interrupted. "Did he bite that missing rent-a-zilla? Is that why he turned on his masters?"
"It was odd. I mean, even more odd than usual," Al reflected. "The OOC monster bit the 'zilla, and suddenly Amchan started panicking. She said the 'zilla had disappeared. I could see him just fine. I was only barely able to shove her out of the way before it stepped on me."
"An OOC-Zilla..." Ash reflected. "We're in worse trouble than I thought. He may well have gotten you stepped on to keep you from telling anyone what was going on."
"Not sure," Ash mused.
"Hardly matters. We're not exactly equipped to stop the creature," Al interrupted. "I mean, look what it did to me."
"But you're an author. Why can't you just, ya know, write yourself better."
Al managed to look aghast through all the bandages. "That'd be godmodding!"
"Everyone else is breaking rules, even you. Why not break this one too?" Ash protested.
"Al, if this creature's rampage continues, Pirogoeth and Niho aren't the only Main Characters who will be affected. Every Main Character will be ruined worse than the basest MihoxPing slash fanfic. Even Rent-a-Zilla," Hikaru warned him. "How would you like Rent-a-zilla do be a scheming manipulative mastermind plotting to take over the city?"
There was a flash of light, and suddenly Al's bandages and dressing were gone, and he was whole. "No!" he howled, his voice echoing down the hospital corridors.
"Where are you going?" Ash asked.
"Tokyo Tower. Place of all important showdowns," Al answered decisively. He ran to the window and with a Neo-style leap, flew away across the city, his hospital gown billowing out behind him stylishly. Okay, not that stylishly.
Ash watched him go. "That was nearly worthy of an Instigator," she murmured. Hikaru blushed, so Ash kissed him soundly. It's hard to resist blushing bishies. Especially blushing
"What do we do in the meantime?" Hikaru asked once he'd recovered.
"Backup plan. I have a bad feeling the OOC Monster has anticipated this. Besides, it's Al. Can he really bring himself to harm a 'zilla?" Ash answered. They left the hospital, heading for the edge of the city.
"And now for an important public service announcement, brought to you by the good people of Tokyo Police Cataclysm Division."
Ash stood mesmerized in a nearby square, watching a large public monitor as mobs of ordinary people went about their ordinary lives, oblivious to the horror the city around them was experiencing.
"We'd like the people of this city to remain calm. These recent attacks of sudden, violently out of character behavior are being investigated, and several popular forum fanfic writers have already been brought in for questioning."
For a moment there was a shot of the venerable and yet infamous ACDragonMaster, vehemently protesting that she hadn't written for TC in years. On another station, Draegos was issuing a public statement from Meagan to the effect that it couldn't be her fanfic because she still hadn't finished Power of Seven.
"Rest assured that we've taken steps to prevent events from escalating into the violence that all too frequently threatens this city," Inspector Sonoda continued. "All faction rampage permits have been temporarily suspended until the OOCbreak has been contained and the suspects brought in for a fair and legal trial."
"Pfft, that'll happen," Ash muttered.
"In the meantime, we're taking extra special care to make sure those people in the city who do have a faction following them are carefully protected. Attacks have already been thwarted."
"You bastards! This Insult to the Idol will be your last!" shouted a pie wielding Arram. Yuki ran screaming across the set, followed by an aggressively pie wielding Arram, former captain of the YLF, now bearing two lemon mirangues and a prominent OOC monster bite.
"Not on my watch, you miserable scarecrow fetishist! There's a reason I named myself after our angel Yuki-- I will never let the likes of you terrify her again!"
Snow finished his dramatic speech, during which Arram closed the distance to pie range, and took careful aim. The pies flew, only to be mostly vaporized by a pair of deadly accurate railgun slugs. The rest of the pie ended up exactly where it belonged-- all over Inspector Sonoda.
"Wow, even out of character Snow's a badass," Hikaru murmured appreciatively.
"Errr...We'll be back after these messages..." Sonoda managed before the transmission ended.
"Pie covered bishie..." Ash drooled.
"Drop it, he's married," Hikaru warned. "Hey, look up there, is that Al?"
"This fight's not going to be much to watch. Stupid invisible monsters."
For some reason there are never tourists on Tokyo Tower when a dramatic confrontation is scheduled. Which means there's never tourists on Tokyo Tower. Only an author, and a figment of the community's collective imagination. A figment that had picked this day to go horribly, horribly wrong.
"You've thrown the factions into chaos," Al accused. The wind whistled through the tower's heights, sending his hospital gown billowing out behind him.
"You've broken the Main Character Invulnerability Rule," he continued. The wind grew stronger, and he had to lean against it.
"But then you messed with a 'zilla. Now it's personal."
Glowing with blue light, Al charged forward, a black mass of ones and zeroes-- the very substance of the forums-- between his hands. The wind surged forward, tearing the hospital gown free and revealing Al in his powerful glory. And also revealing the fact that he hadn't been wearing anything under it but zilla-print boxers.
"You... bastard!" Al hissed, quickly writing in some clothes. Something stylish, of course. Trenchcoat, shades, lots of guns, and of course a magical unbreakable katana to complete the ensemble. He struck a dramatic pose. "I am everything this city wants to be, and you are its opposite. Today I fight for the life of this game. You will not twist it any further."
The sword flashed out, and was immediately blocked. Al swung again, changing styles, leaping up into the air in an improbable show of wire-foo, but this time his blade found nothing.
"I see you've got Hikaru's speed."
He cartwheeled to the side, and a moment later a deadly railgun slug cut through support where he'd been standing. "And Snow's love of weapons. But I have something better."
The writing surged forth from his hands, and the tower itself began to change, sprouting robotic arms that clawed back and forth fighting something no one could see. A moment later a tremendous lance of plasma singed ten in a straight line, while two others were crushed into a singularity by gravity's invisible fist.
Not bothering to name the stolen abilities he was fighting, Al charged, only to find his way blocked by a zombie, which he dispatched in a single blow, only to find it already regenerating. Rewriting the direction of gravity, he hurled the beast at its controller, but it was intercepted by a flying metal anvil. A moment later, a red targetting dot appeared on Al's chest.
"Oh %@..." he murmured, and quickly threw himself into weaponspace. The killcannon discharge erupted where he'd been a moment later, melting steel and sending splinters of hot iron everywhere. Tokyo Tower creaked and moaned under the assault, but the Law of Dramatic Encounters held, and besides, the battle was now taking place so fast the gravity had practically no meaning to it.
Al was back immediately, taking a moment to boost his speed and intelligence by reconfiguring the workings of his own metabolism. "You're not that tough-- you just steal abilities from all the characters you've bitten. You're a copy-cat, and I'm the original thing, so--"
He was cut off by the shadows of the scene around him all coming alive, filled with inky malevolence. "You stole... my character! That's not fair!" Reaching into the depths of his being, he drew on the greatest power he knew of: the power of angst. Beside him, ghostly, translucent, and so cold, so very cold and alone, appeared a terrified and lonely Melody. The song she sang made steel girders weep, and even the shadows could not approach her. < Please, leave him alone. I just want him to survive to love me, > she murmured sadly.
Thus protected by the infinite power of Cut3, Al closed for the final encounter.
And was utterly, completely, and instantly defeated. As the ground spiralled toward him, and he stared at the single bite-mark on his hand, all he could think was, He cheated! Nobody has an ability that stupid...
"Are you alright? Are you alright?" Ash asked, gently shaking Al awake.
"Itsssh a vision of... bussshtinessh... come to reshcue meeeee," Al half-sang, half croaked.
*WHAM* "He's all better now," Ash told Hikaru. "Oooh, cool, I can see the little cartoon birds!"
"What happened? I thought you were gonna, y'know, godmod," Hikaru asked, nervously looking over his shoulder to make sure no one heard him.
"I did, but the bastard was better at it. First he was copying the abilities of every Player Character he's bitten. Then he used an attack called NEN-- not seen since the days of Wolfdead. Nobody's ever bothered to describe what it was, so I couldn't figure out how to counter it. I mean there's not really a way to deal with 'My NEN defeats you instantly.' He must've found G Kaiser and bitten him, somehow, but I thought he was banned."
"G Kaiser?" Hikaru asked.
"How should I know? I'm a newb. I haven't read that far back in the archives," Ash answered. "Any idea what he was after?"
"It was strange. He didn't really say much. No villain speech or anything."
"Ugh, no sense of style," Ash muttered.
"He could have been metagaming," Al suggested. "Villain speeches are pretty much a guarantee of immediate defeat."
"Unless this isn't his final battle. Perhaps he has something bigger to defeat in mind, and all he wanted was your powers."
"With author powers, there's no one he can't fight. And with the rest of his powers, there's nothing he can't beat either," Al concluded. "I wonder what he's after."
"There's only one way to stop him left. We must consult the Senior L337 ones," Ash intoned solemnly.
"You'll get flamed," Al warned. "Flamed bad."
On the TV screen in the public square, the commercial break had unexpectedly ended. "Snow, I'll give you ten second to stop licking my face."
"Count slowly, Inspector."
"...and so, mighty Senior L337 Ones, if no one stops this OOC Monster, the entire city will have collapsed into chaos by nightfall. The Fanboy War will look like child's play next to what's coming," Ash concluded.
There was silence for a long time, but Ash kept her head bowed. No one quite understood what pleased or displeased the Senior L337 Ones, for sometimes they raised themselves from the mists of times with words of ancient wisdom, such as, "Get over yourselves," or "Your Character May be an Ass but You May Not," (abbreviated YCMAYMN) or "Yankees suck!" Other times, they merely stabbed everyone in the same chatroom as them.
As the silence stretched into minutes, Ash looked up and saw that pretty much the lot of them had fallen asleep, except for BGMaster.
"Damnit, why do you people keep insisting on writing me!" BGMaster protested. "I mean, not only have I posted numerous times about my death, but now even my faction is dead! Get over it! I'm not that important!"
"Most venerable L337 One BGmaster," Ash protested, "you are being portrayed as a tombstone here. I'm not sure why you're talking to me in the first place."
"Good point," BGMaster replied, and stopped talking. He was, after all, dead. Ash considered looting the shades from in front of the tomb stone, but she'd seen enough b-rated zombie movies (for that matter, she'd -caused- a number of b-rated zombie movies) to know not to touch anything near the ground near a tombstone.
"I don't think it's working, Ash-san," Hikaru sighed, looking at the sleeping L337 Masters.
"Well then, we'll have to wake them up," Ash answered. "We're out of options here." She cleared her throat and braced herself. "I've not actually read any of this thread, but I think I should be ok adding my flying ninja Jedi robot clone character to the game. He doesn't really have anything to do with the story at the moment, or even with Megatokyo, but look how many pages of backstory I've got. I'll just put it all in an OOC section of my first post here and--"
Tanetris' eyes flew open and a strange and terrible light was behind them. His words, daunting and imposing, rocked the world of the Clans as we know it. "Get off my lawn!" A moment later, a brick, perfectly aimed by Dietwaterczar's projectile sense, had caught Ash clear in the stomache and launched her so far and so fast that even the narrator lost track of her. But he was pretty sure she'd be ok. She was, after all, the hero.
"Damn kids," Lightsider muttered, suddenly noticing an odd bite mark he'd not seen before. Why did he have this sudden urge to start posting again?
[OOC]This section was originally intended to be posted, as an April Fools day joke, by Psieye. However that doesn't make much sense when it's on the web instead of in the forums.[/ooc]
Things looked grim as I totalled the bodycount of my latest fanfiction. Not since the Stick Wars had so few punches been pulled, and so few prisoners taken. Whole factions had been crushed into incongruity by the might OOCZilla, while the OOC Monster's precise strikes had granted him a gamut of weapons no one in Megatokyo could hope to oppose, from the lowliest Instigator to the mightiest Main Character.
And with the defeat of Al, there was only one direction the OOC Monster could be headed-- authorspace. But I would be ready for him. True, his NEN attack was so ill-described that there was no effective way to counter it. True, he had taken Wizard of Kitty's reality crystals and could summon anvils at a whim. True, he had taken Megatokyo's most powerful weapons and abilities and combined them into a seamless whole. Nevertheless, I had one advantage he would never be able to conquer.
I, the BozoCat, was writing this fic. He would be doing whatever I wanted him to.
And now, that fiend of indescribability, whose very nature prevented characterization, was approaching my location. The final battle was nigh-- the outcome? Total control of reality. What if the OOC Monster had escaped? Would it be revenge of the Characters? That thought alone was enough to keep me up at night sweating. But I feared that would hardly be the worst. Imagine the world's best and brightest taken over by sudden fits of OOCness. Dom drawing all the art for Megatokyo, Al Gore trying to rap, or Boston drivers using their turn signals.
And so, as my foe approached, I confronted him.
"OOC Monster!" I called out. I was answered by the a belch reeking of recently devoured roofing tar. OCSB roofing tar. Yich.
"OOC Monster, this rampage is at an end. You will go back to the land Between the Lines where you belong," I commanded. He did not respond.
"If you do not go back where you belong, then I will be forced to destroy you in a way no OOC Monster has ever been destroyed. I will characterize you!"
With a flash of rage I began writing, describing its every detail. The green of its scales, the sharpness of its teeth, its height (eight feet tall, four inches) and its girth (about that of a grisly bear). Its slight smell of roofing tar and... paint?
I stalked forward, realizing that I had been terribly, horribly had. The 'OOC Monster' I'd been describing had been a cardboard cutout.
And behind the cardboard cutout? The remains of a necromantic ceremony I knew all too well. All two well because I had invented it. Thread necromancy-- that's why the beast had bothered to OOCify the Cult of Ropto-- it had wanted their thread necromancy powers. But that meant he could be in any time and place in the forums. He could even be behind me. Right now.
Thank you, OOC Monster. I feel much better now. It's odd though. Why did I ever start calling myself BozoCat?
Well, is there anything I can do for you?
End the post? That shouldn't be too hard. Though it is a little short for my usual style.
Hey all, BozoCat here. I'm not actually Psieye, but many people tell me I sound/act like him, and I did take over his faction, so I thought the April Fools joke would be appropriate. This is the final installment. I hope you've enjoyed the rampage. Who knows, maybe I'll do something like this again next year.
White. It was white everywhere.
"Where am I?" Ash asked, looking around in confusion. Suddenly it occurred for her to look in a direction she'd never looked in before. She saw a tremendous obsidian wall, with a big hole in it, shaped approximately like her. Ow. That must've hurt.
On the ground next to her lay the brick DietWaterCzar had hurled at her. Damn, he had a good arm.
The lands beyond were featureless and white as a blank page. "Huh, my author lives over here. Now I can totally get him back for giving me such a sucky backstory," Ash mused. However her thoughts of revenge were distracted almost immediately when she spotted something she hadn't thought was there a moment before.
"Luke? Little Luke? What are you doing on the other side of the Fourth Wall?"
Ash ran forward excitedly and in a single glomp scooped up the kitty.
"Nyow," the OOC Monster answered, purring loudly. So lonely, nobody had glomped him in so long. Not since...
"Aww, my poor kitty. I'm sorry I burned the house down. All these years, I thought I'd killed you, and you've just been hiding between the lines. Why have you been rampaging all over the place?"
"Mrow," Luke answered, yawning.
"I suppose it would be characterizing you to answer that."
It took a goodly long time for the Continuity Monks to repair the damage the OOC Monster's rampage had caused. Apparently they hadn't even noticed the new thread appearing on Story Discussions, now that even Side Stories had been exiled to the distant lands of Role Playing Games.
Hikaru returned to Plot Limbo almost immediately once Ash showed him just how much homework his author had. They occasionally send each other letters by OOCPost.
Ash the Instigator went on to take over the now-weakened city of Megatokyo. In typical Villain style, she enslaved the populace and threatened to begin executing random forumites if Niho, or whatever his real name was, didn't appear in more comics.
Sabyr: You do realize that Fred doesn't even read these stupid rampages, right?
Needless to say, Fred ignored her.
The OOC Monster lived out the rest of his days peacefully between the lines, occasionally making cameos in people's signature lines or in Omake posts, and sometimes consenting to allow Opt to use it to bookmark new threads, and it was Good. The OOCZilla, however, having the advantage of size, was never tamed. To this day it rampages throughout Megatokyo, occasionally crushing entire factions or eating vast swathes of roofing tar, the likes of which have never been seen before. Frankly, nobody notices. After all, it's OOC.
No OOC Monsters were harmed in the making of this fanfic. However a great many Player Characters were.
LUKEDOR! LUKEDOR! Lukedor was a cat! Well, he was a monster cat! Uh, maybe he was just a monster! But he was still LUKEDOR!, LUKEDOR!! OOCanating Megatokyo, OOCanating the PCs. OOCanating all the factions, and the main CHARACTERS! LUKEDOR! LUKEDOR!! And all ph34r the OOC Monster's bite!